broken beyond repair.

This is how you’re going to be remembered.

Do you realize that? This is the last memory we’ll have of you. Afterward we’re all going to leave, and we’ll remember you as you were during these four years. Sure, a couple of close friends you’ll actually manage to stay in touch with, three at most, will manage to continue making memories with you. But the rest of us? Our entire class, 417 people? Plus underclassmen? 99% of people who’ve met you these four years are going to remember you like this. This is it.

You’ve had four years to become the person you want to be. You’ve had four years to make this impression and four years to change this impression if need be. We’ve all seen your ascent or your decline. But now it’s over; this is judgment day. Some people are going to be remembered as bitches (that one girl who fucked you over), some as nerds (can you please stop talking about your grades?), some as funny (that one guy who could make you laugh whenever he opened his mouth), some as sweethearts (she always says hi to you with a smile when you guys see each other), and some as everything you could have asked for (thank you for being there). And yes, I was thinking about specific people writing this. Props to you if you can guess them.

So when it comes down to it, are you happy with the person you are, happy with the way everyone else is going to remember you? I certainly hope so; you did have four whole fucking years. 

I don’t think about killing myself anymore. The thoughts used to plague me, dozens of exits before me every day. The insatiable sorrow eating away at me. She told me I didn’t appreciate the little things enough; that’s why I was so sad all the time. “What little things?” I asked her. “Oh, I don’t know. Just look for them.”

I didn’t find a single thing for the next couple of months, big or small. But now? I can name quite a few that happened to me just today. I guess my life has truly turned around and here’s proof that I see things differently.

• got a good parking spot

• decent weather, at least it’s not raining

• practically impregnated with pho

• saw an old friend

• put on clothes that were fresh out of the dryer, best feeling ever

• cindy’s coming home tomorrow (actually that’s kind of a big deal)

I didn’t pay attention to the details in my misery. The sun’s out? Who gives a fuck. Would I like a cookie? Yeah, sure. Waking up in the morning? I can’t believe I’m still fucking alive. I see them now. It’s a beautiful day. Yes, I’d love a cookie, thank you so much! Well, actually I still hate mornings. But the small things are big things now. I revel in every pleasure I can, no matter the importance. I used to think nothing mattered, especially the little things; they don’t matter. But they do, so very very much. 

Anonymous asked: your writing is tragic and mesmerizing. i just found your tumblr a few days ago and i'm on page 60... i almost feel creepy, but i can sympathize with what you feel (at least to an extent). hang in there, time heals eventually

hi thank you. i’m okay; don’t worry.